you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
