trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
