1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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