I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Randomize
