Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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