Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
