She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
