Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I fill condoms, not promises.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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