I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think I sprained my soul last night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
