I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
