Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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