Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
