i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
