if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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