Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
