3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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