theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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