Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
