the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
