We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
