I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
