mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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