sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
