Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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