They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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