McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
