I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
