some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
