I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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