im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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