Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
