i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
