I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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