we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
