All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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