Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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