I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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