she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
