That's intense
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
