I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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