Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
