I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
