me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
