kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
