theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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