The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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