I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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