Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
