I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
