We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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