in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
