Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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