The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
