while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
